Written by: Clyde DeWitt
ORIGINAL WEBSITE: http://www.adultvideonews.com/
The amount of money allocated for “legal” in the lowest of low-budget Hollywood motion pictures eclipses the entire budget of even the most lavish adult videos. The irony of that is that the adult genre is subject to a significantly broader array of regulations. The point of this article is to focus the thinking of producers and manufacturers on some of the legal aspects of what they are doing. Some of these issues have been addressed in detail in previous editions of Legal Commentary; this is more of a summary of some of the problems.
Adult content seems to come about in two ways. The most simple is where a manufacturing company or webmaster company shoots its productions “in-house,” the motion picture being entirely created by employees of the manufacturing company. The more involved process, which is perhaps more prevalent, is where a producer creates content to some degree of completion and sells it to the manufacturer or webmaster. The range of “degrees of completion” go from raw footage and chromes at one extreme to an edited master and a fully laid-out box at the other end of the continuum. The latter is a variation of what is known as a “negative pickup agreement,” the term’s origin found in old-time Hollywood where the movie company would – sometimes literally – go and “pick” the negative “up” from the producer.
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE PRODUCER AND THE MANUFACTURER
A negative pickup agreement is an outright purchase of a motion picture; in the adult realm it is a purchase by a manufacturer or webmaster from a producer. In theory, the manufacturer or webmaster acquires all of the rights associated with the motion picture for a cash price. The producer, then, no longer has anything to do with the product, other than the credits. Unfortunately, life in the real world isn’t all that simple, and complexities can accrue even further where nobody writes anything down.
One problem is, naturally, money. Producers sometimes don’t have the cash to shoot on “spec,” so they hit up the manufacturer or webmaster for an advance. Another problem arises because producers are sometimes in-house with the manufacturers. This works fine as long as the campers are happy and there is no outside pressure exerted, either by those with whom the producer and manufacturer are doing business or regulatory folks from various governmental agencies. The concern is that the producer and manufacturer can be accused of being partners, which makes each responsible for the problems of the other.
For that reason, it is important that the relationship between the producer and the manufacturer be carefully defined. If it is truly an arms-length relationship – that is, the manufacturer is one company and the producer is another – it should be kept that way for the benefit of both.
If a manufacturer wants to rent some space to a producer, that’s fine. But be sure that the producer at least has (1) separate phone numbers, (2) a different address, if possible, (3) a lease and (4) separate quarters which are locked with a separate key. It is best for the producer’s quarters to have a separate entrance, if there is any way that can be done. If the producer uses the manufacturer’s office equipment (a bad idea), access codes for copy and postage machines should be used; the producer should be billed monthly at an agreed-upon price.
This is not to say that manufacturers should never lease space to producers. It’s a handy arrangement if that particular producer is a regular source of product. But for the benefit of both, the entities should be kept as discreet as possible, including particularly a provision in any written agreement between the entities that nothing creates a partnership. The consequences of doing otherwise could saddle one entity with problems of the other, like employee grievances, taxes, lawsuits and other miseries.
From here on, then, this article will assume that one of two conditions exists: Either the producer and manufacturer (or webmaster) are one in the same; or the producer and the manufacturer (or webmaster) have a true, arm’s-length relationship.

SHOOTING THE MOVIE
Before building sets and pulling the trigger on any camera, the producer needs to be legally prepared. There are several categories of problems the producer needs to deal with, better in advance than “on the fly.” The significant ones are:
• Performer Releases and Identification – While the careful producer will have an attorney draw up and review the forms for performers to sign so as (1) to make sure the producer acquires all of the rights to the performances and (2) to comply with the federal labeling and record-keeping requirements, a good many producers have opted to use the form created by the Free Speech Coalition which includes releases and the information required by the federal record-keeping law and regulations. Do this wrong and you could be really screwed up, because if you don’t have the required identification or a release which leaves you owning the performance, you won’t have a movie that you can sell to anyone. Parenthetically, at least one producer has advised Legal Commentary that the FSC release form is cumbersome and could use some streamlining. Indeed, that form is not immune from updates and it might be time for just that, now that it has had a few years of field testing.
• The Crew – If your camera, sound, lighting and other crew people are treated as independent contractors, be sure you have releases from them, too. (The term “release” here, and with respect to other artistic things is not technically correct, but industry parlance uses the term so it will be used, albeit incorrectly, here.) Some of these folks have copyright interests in their artistic product; and while you likely could prevail in court on a copyright claim by one of them, do you really want to bankroll the fight? Likely not. The fact of the matter is that they lose their copyright interests in the movie based upon a principle called “work for hire,” which means that if you hire someone as an employee to create an artistic product for you, then you own the product. It is important to know here that copyright releases must be in writing.
• Stills – There are two components of stills. One is the photographer’s copyright interest in his artistic product, the photograph. The other is whether the photographer gets to keep any of his pictures for him- or herself, maybe with the idea of peddling them to a magazine and/or Internet site. Remember that if you have someone shooting stills with a “film waster,” two nearly identical photographs are created by seriatim shots. Think about whether you really want someone peddling photos right out of your movie. A producer or a manufacturer who acquires the producer’s product might want to strengthen the ability to enforce copyrights by insuring that no chromes from the motion pictures are out there being hawked by someone else.
• The Script – If whoever wrote the script is not an employee, thus creating a surefire “work for hire” arrangement, there should be a written agreement with the author. Again, copyright releases must be in writing.
Once on the set, the careful producer wants to make sure that things are all in order. It is of no use to draw up plays before the game if they are not executed properly. Some suggestions about on-the-set activities include the following:
• Performers’ Identification – The federal labeling and record-keeping law requires that the producer examine the original identification document. Because it has become commonplace to require that the performers bring their identification documents along with copies of them (where there is no copying machine on the set), some record should be made to determine that the original documents were examined. At the least, it is prudent for the person who actually examines the original document to make some record of doing so. Perhaps the easiest way of doing that is to have the document-examining person make a notation and signature on the copy, such as “original identification documents examined and accuracy of copies verified by John Smith on this _ day of _, 19_,” accompanied by the person’s signature. A rubber stamp might work well for this.
• Performers’ Releases – Certainly the producer will obtain the signature of each performer on the relevant release. But since you are on the set with a suitcase full of video equipment, why not videotape the release? This procedure is advisable both because it makes an extra record of the identification documents and the release and because it gives protection against the Linda-Lovelace-turned-Marchiano type, who might later claim to have been induced into signing the release and performing in the motion picture by some drug-induced euphoria. As Legal Commentary has advised in the past, take a video of the identification documents, the performer holding them up and explaining that he or she is the identified person and is not performing under the influence of any duress or medication, and maybe even taking a shot of the inking of the release documents.
• Trademarks and Copyrights – On a set once, approximately the following took place: The cast and crew took a break. One of the thirsty cast members consumed a can of soda and placed the container on a table on the set. Nobody noticed, because the can fit right into the scenery. After shooting almost a half hour of dialogue, a cry of “Oh shit!” rang out across the set. The can – trademarks and all – was prominently on display through the entire dialogue shoot. The whole thing had to be re-shot. Adult videos – or any motion pictures for that matter – cannot include anything which is commercially identifiable, including jeans, shoes (this is probably the most risky, because almost all athletic shoes have trademarks or trade dress), tee shirts, soda cans, designer luggage, pictures, automobiles and the like. And a smart producer will have someone review the edited footage with a bounty on finding an identifiable commercial product, place or other indicia of a business.
• The Thorny Issue of Employees vs. Independent Contractors – As explained above, the producer will be in a more favorable position copyright-wise if the cast and crew are all employees, which means W-2 forms and all of the other garbage which attaches to the employer-employee relationship. Notably, the EDD in California takes the position that performers and crew are all employees, leaving the producer with the responsibility for three years of taxes even if they weren’t taken out at the time. The IRS has taken that position as well. Accordingly, producers are advised to pay the cast and crew as employees. (Hint: Write them a salary-advance check for most of the take-home on the day of the shoot and then later send them the remaining few dollars and cents along with the payroll stub on the 1st or 15th; that way the performers get substantially paid on the day of the shoot.) While there are arguments in favor of the position that the cast and crew are independent contractors, the cost of fighting is substantial and the cost of losing can be crippling.
Now that you have shot the movie, it needs to be edited, a process which sometimes is the station of the producer and sometimes that of the manufacturer. There are some issues here, too:
• Music – If music is added (and it should be), the producer or manufacturer needs to have the proper releases from the music people, both author and performers. If you use Beethoven’s Fifth, the copyright has expired, but you still need releases from the performers. Another form!

ACQUIRING THE MOTION PICTURE – THE NEGATIVE PICKUP AGREEMENT
Manufacturers acquiring product from producers these days are, in an unfortunately large number of cases, dangerously sloppy. They tend to forget that if they are at the wrong end of a lawsuit or a prosecution arising from a producer’s screw-up, the producer is not likely to pony up their legal fees or, in the worst case, damages; the producer often does not have the resources to do so and virtually never has any insurance. The manufacturer, on the other hand, often has very substantial assets – and you know what they say about “deep pockets”!
It therefore is important that the manufacturer protect its assets by carefully screening product it is acquiring. Some people, usually producers, assume that everything is fine so long as the performers’ releases come along with the footage. Wrong! As explained above, there is more that needs to be considered.
Previously, scientists believed that most of the countries require prescription if anyone wishes to use kamagra products and get viagra therefore it is important that people should consult a knowledgeable physician to develop a comprehensive approach to managing their MS. Should you be in love along with your associate, but aren’t in a position to fulfill or fulfill the expectations then you’re inviting difficulties in your lifestyle. canadian pharmacy for viagra You brand levitra in usa need this to ensure that your daily regimen has enough vital vitamins. It would already have been tested first hand and you can get generic india levitra an honest feedback. In addition to taking care to insure that the producer adhered to the above requirements, the manufacturer should be sure that it is acquiring the whole “ball of wax.” The idea of a negative pickup agreement is that the manufacturer will acquire all of the rights to the product from the producer – all of the rights. That includes the right to use the motion picture and the stills for the original feature as well as comps, magazines, Internet sites, promotion or anywhere else a buck can be made from the product. The producer doesn’t keep anything.
The manufacturer also must acquire the materials needed for compliance with the labeling and record-keeping law. This includes copies of the identification documents and the “release,” which includes both the performers’ releases and their disclosure of the information required by the labeling and record-keeping law.
A copyright assignment – which is the essence of a negative pickup agreement – must be in writing, although cases have said that it doesn’t take much to create the needed writing – one case even supporting the proposition that the endorsement of the check was enough. The prudent manufacturer will do two things: First, require the producer to certify that all proper steps have been taken, including checking identification documents, properly acquiring rights to chromes, and so on – the whole list above. Second, to engage in some kind of audit which as a practical matter means acquiring copies of all of the producers’ documentation, rather than simply the performers’ releases.

EDITING THE MOTION PICTURE, THE BOXES, THE ADVERTISING AND THE ONE-SHEETS
Regardless of whether the final edit is a product of the producer or the manufacturer, there are legal requirements. For starters, keep in mind what the distributors and retailers are looking for. If your product fails to pass muster with that, you will have untold grief from your customers. But the careful manufacturer will go a few steps further, insuring that its tape will pass muster with even the most finicky distributor or retailer. That includes:
• Labeling and Record-Keeping – Over-compliance is the watchword. Put the labels everywhere and include all of the required language.
• “Teen” Issues – One feature of the “Protect Act” says that if something is found obscene, it is jacked up to the status of child pornography if it appears to be a minor engaged in sexual activity. The prudent manufacturer will include a conspicuous disclosure that the performers were all of age when photographed. “All models are over 18” really doesn’t cut it, since the real issue is the age of the performers at the time of the shoot. And, although constitutionally questionable, the Act also targets adults portraying minors. Make sure that it is clear to everyone that the material involves only adults portraying adults.
• Copyrights and Trademarks of Others – Check again and again so as to be sure that nobody else’s products are in your motion picture. Be extra sure!
• Your Copyrights and Trademarks – Do your company names and logos all have the appropriate copyright and trademark indicia? “®” for federally registered trademarks, “™” for trademarks which are yours but not registered and the “©” notice to protect your literary interests. The “®” or “™” should be attached to any word, phrase, diagram or logo which identifies your company as the source of the product. And you can’t use the “®” unless you have been granted a federal registration.
• The Manufacturer’s Address – Most states have a law requiring that the name and address of the manufacturer appear on the box. Don’t forget that one.

AND YOUR LAWYER…
As your author said to one of his clients lately, “You do the movies and I’ll do the law.” Writing a negative pickup agreement or performer release for yourself is about as prudent as filling the cavities in your own teeth to save money on dentists. Perhaps the best approach is to mock up your own documentation and then take it to your attorney so the attorney will have a starting point.

(Clyde DeWitt is a partner in the Los Angeles, California-based, national law firm of Weston, Garrou & DeWitt. He can be reached through AVN’s offices, at his office at 12121 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 900, Los Angeles, CA 90025 or over the Internet at clydedewitt@earthlink.net. Readers are considered a valuable source of court decisions, legal gossip and information from around the country, all of which is received with interest. Books, pro and con, are encouraged to be submitted for review, but they will not be returned. This column does not constitute legal advice but, rather, serves to inform readers of legal news, developments in cases and editorial comment about legal developments and trends. Readers who believe anything reported in this column might impact them should contact their personal attorneys.)

Written by: Mistress Violette
ORIGINAL WEBSITE: http://www.belledomme.com/mainpages/article1.htm
Styles of BDSM

It’s not fair to tell you there are many ways to practice BDSM without telling you about some of them. Here’s a brief explanation of some of the most common. There are all sorts of
variations. What’s important to remember is that none of them is The Best Way. Each is the best way for some people, not necessarily for you. If you find a style of BDSM doesn’t work for you, it’s fine to move on rather than try to force yourself into a mold that doesn’t fit. Even if it means searching a little longer, achieving goodness of fit is worth the wait.

Let’s start with the model that’s probably the most familiar and popular, the Bitch Goddess. This is the one seen most often in the media and on commercial web sites. The dominant woman is a cruel and distant goddess who treats her submissives like worms, dirt, garbage, take your pick. I suspect this is popular because it’s hot, at least, in the moment. People being what they are, it takes a lot of work to maintain this scenario. The goddess is going to want support sometime, the worm is going to need to take initiative sometime and somebody has to handle calling the plumber and getting groceries. No matter what anyone says, no one can live this full time.

Female Supremacy is a concept that often goes hand in hand with the Bitch Goddess view of BDSM. It’s a sociological, and sometimes political, view that basically says the women are
superior, men inferior. Then, depending on their own ideologies, people add personal bells and whistles. The notion of female supremacy fits some forms of BDSM like a glove.
Domestic Discipline is somewhat like the stereotype of a Victorian era marriage. One partner is in charge, the other obeys. If that partner doesn’t obey, he or she is firmly corrected. There are those who practice domestic discipline yet don’t consider themselves part of the BDSM community. I’m including this category anyway, because there’s a definite, negotiated power transfer in these relationships.

Gorean philosophy is based on a series of novels by John Norman. Although you don’t often see this form of BDSM in female dominant/male submissive relationships, I want to talk
about it because some male subs try to adopt Gorean behaviors. The novels are set mostly on the planet Gor, where women are slaves to men. They are expected to dress, speak, behave and believe in a certain, highly stylized way. While there are people who incorporate varying degrees of Gorean philosophy into their relationships, they’re a small subset of
BDSM. Male subs aren’t welcome in most Gorean venues because there were few male subs on Gor.

Bedroom is sometimes used to mean the opposite of lifestyle BDSM. If partners confine their power transfer to a strictly limited area of the relationship, it’s bedroom BDSM. Within the confines of that area, this style of BDSM can be as intense as any other. It just never goes beyond those confines into other aspects of the relationship.

Silk scarves may be used by new or light players for bondage, so the term Silk Scarf is sometimes used to describe a less intense style. The power transfer exists but the manifestation is more gentle.

Lifestyle BDSM is an always on connection. Even though the partners don’t always overtly express dominance or submission, the dynamic still exists. Sometimes people confuse the Bitch Goddess model with lifestyle. Lifestyle BDSM isn’t defined by leather clothing or verbal abuse. It’s defined by the constant nature of the power transfer. Most lifestylers are everyday people, with the same problems and pleasures as vanilla people. The difference is that the power balance in their relationships is deliberately and consensually skewed.

Not everything that looks like BDSM is BDSM. Some people enjoy very limited and temporary power transfers. These are people who are basically vanilla and who sometimes play BDSM
type roles to spice up their sex lives. It’s fun, it’s hot, it’s fulfilling but it shouldn’t be confused with BDSM.

How to respond to a personal ad

If you’re looking for a dominant partner and don’t have a lot of face to face resources, personal ads are a good alternative. They don’t work for many submissive men, though, because many submissive men don’t seem to understand how to write a good response to a dominant woman’s ad. Having been the recipient of a good many truly awful responses, I’ve got a few suggestions.

One thing to remember; writing a good response doesn’t guarantee success. No matter how well worded your response, if you’re not what the advertiser is looking for, you’re just not and no hard feelings. That’s a segue to the first thing to consider: do you have the characteristics noted in the ad? Yes, yes, I know, you are so overwhelmingly wonderful that it doesn’t matter; you’re going to respond regardless. I’m here to tell you it does matter. If the ad requests someone who speaks Croatian, has a chauffeur’s license, and makes a great paella, don’t respond if you speak only Italian, don’t know how to drive, and can’t
pronounce paella. I don’t care if you have buns to die for, if there wasn’t a statement that buns to die for supersedes all other requirements, just let it go.

Now, logic tells me that a person who meets the requirements will send a note stating how he or she meets the requirements. And some people do. But there are an amazing number of
people who respond, “Hi, I’m Bert. 5’10”, 180, brn hair and eyes. I want to serve.” Why do you do this? Unless the ad said, “Respond with height, weight, and coloring only” it makes
absolutely no sense to do this. So stop doing it. And if, by some lucky happenstance, a patient dominant woman gives you a second chance and asks for more information, don’t send a reply that quotes your stats yet again, adds your marital or employment status and ends there. If she asks for information, give it to her. Think about this: she’s a dominant woman. Even if she placed an ad that said she was ugly, inexperienced, and prone to hives, the simple fact that she is a dominant woman would guarantee a respectable number of responses. You are nothing to her except pixels on a screen. You have to rise above
that, you have to get her attention, and then you have to attract her. I’ve got to tell you, for most dominant woman, knowing your hair color (or the size of your penis) is not going to accomplish this.

So, second thing to remember: if you meet the requirements, show that you do. Talk about how you came to learn Croatian, describe some of your experiences as a chauffeur, mention
something about your favorite paella recipe. Don’t worry about providing too much information. When it comes to choosing a BDSM partner, it’s hard to have too much information. You’re writing to a woman who’s going to get a lot of laundry lists. Save
her some trouble, and set yourself apart from the other guys, by giving her a big chunk of information.

Many of you have answered numerous ads and gotten no response. You’re leery of investing time and emotion only to get no return. Well, do you want to meet a dominant or don’t you?
You can sit around waiting and hope one falls into your lap or you can put a little work into your search.

Ok, you think you have the qualities mentioned in the ad and you’re all set to put a little effort into your composition. What style do you use? After all, you’re writing to a dominant woman, one of those leather wearing, whip-wielding goddesses. She probably
expects you to be on your knees, the epitome of subservience, right? Don’t count on it. A good many dominant women (I know you don’t want to hear this) are everyday people. We can
manage just fine without advertising our interests to the world and we can relate to submissive people as people first and submissives second. On the other hand, there are those who insist on formality and protocol. Take your cue from her ad and her style and respond in the same way.

I know you’re curious about her and you want to know more about her. But this is her ball game, remember? She’ll either volunteer information or give you an opportunity to ask
questions. Wait for it. And, whatever you do, don’t give her the impression you’re trolling for whacking material by asking her what she “likes to do.” She’s a person, not a bunch of preferred activities.

So now your response is all ready to go. It’s pleasant, polite, reasonably clever, and fact filled. There’s no requirement that you type it neatly, with appropriate format and punctuation; there’s no requirement that you check the spelling. I recommend you do so anyway. It’s considerate and makes your message easier to read. Besides, not doing these things makes you kind of unappealing.

I suggest you don’t send a picture of yourself unless the ad requested one and don’t ask her for one right off the bat. Whether you intend it or not, these actions give the impression that appearance means more to you than compatibility and competence. If appearance really is your first consideration, you’re probably better off in some other venue. One of the advantages of cyber space is the ability to get to know people
without the distractions, and judgments, that happen face to face. Besides, no one ever looks as good (or bad) as the picture, anyway.

There you have it. Go forth and reply.

Introducing your partner to BDSM

Our society discourages most kinks, including BDSM. It’s tough to be a kinky person in that kind of atmosphere. As a result, many people ignore or deny their inclinations. This works for some but, for most, the need won’t allow that to happen indefinitely. At some point, it makes itself known. This can be a problem for people who are in a committed relationship with a vanilla person when it happens. “How can I get my partner interested in BDSM?” is a common question in BDSM discussion venues. I don’t have the ultimate answer but I do
have suggestions.

First, though, you have to know and accept that BDSM is a need or a want, not a flaw. About 10% of the population have this need. It’s not something you can help, that can be fixed (and it doesn’t need fixing – even the APA now says kink is ok) or that will go away. It’s a part of who you are that you want to express. What you’re hoping to accomplish is the ideal, having your partner be involved in the _expression.

You know, I hope, that BDSM can be loving, respectful and a whole lot of fun. It’s not a threat, either to the people involved or to their relationship(s). Your partner may not know this. Sometimes all a basically vanilla person knows about BDSM is what she’s
seen in the media. What she’s seen in the media is pretty scary. It’s usually some other vanilla person’s notion of what BDSM is, based on stereotype and fantasy. So, she’s confronted with images of women in leather corsets and high boots, with a whip and an attitude, doing unspeakable things to groveling victims. Let me tell you, it’s the rare vanilla woman who is going to think that’s hot. The average woman is going to politely but firmly say, “Yuck.”

What the average woman doesn’t know is: that’s not what you’re asking for. Of course, you may not know this yourself, yet. You may have bought into the stereotype and fantasy without giving much thought to how, or if, that plays out in real life. Now is the time to think about it.

Be realistic. Those corsets are damned uncomfortable. And the 5-inch stilettos? Forget about it. Nobody could sustain the clothing for more than a few hours, let alone the attitude. Most BDSM in long term relationships is done for love, often with humor, in comfortable clothes, with someone who is a willing participant. While you may want your partner to don the trappings as often as possible, what you require most is her control. And that’s what you need to convey to overcome the yuck factor.Your partner is probably skittish about the idea of tieing you up and spanking you or determining when you may use the bathroom. She might be more open to determining when and how the two of you will have sex or always having the final say about what movie you see. The idea is to explain BDSM to her as your need for control, not a need to do incredibly freaky things. Tell her you hope she’ll eventually be interested in experimenting with other aspects but you’re asking her to go only as far as she’s comfortable. Keep in mind that, although you’re asking her
to meet a need of yours, you won’t get anywhere unless you focus on her needs and comfort level. You’re asking for a big favor here. Show you recognize and acknowledge that by putting her first.

Submissive men are all the time saying they want to “serve” a dominant woman, yet, when push comes to shove, it often turns out what they want to do is be titillated, whether it’s any benefit to the dom or not. Here’s your chance to show you’re not a wannabee. Service to a dominant woman is serving her needs, not yours. It really doesn’t matter whether you like the activity or not, the fact that she benefits from it is a submissive’s reward. If
you can understand and accept this, you can probably enlist your partner’s aid in meeting this need. Propose to take over some chore she does but dislikes, weeding the garden, say, or doing the laundry. Then do it. Do it well, do it on time, do it without being reminded and do it without expecting anything in return. This is both non-threatening and beneficial to your partner, in other words, you’re showing her that your submission is about her.

If your partner agrees to take control, even in a limited way, and to accept your service, you’re ahead of the game. Don’t blow it by pushing. Let things move along at her pace. Be open to questions and ready with additional suggestions, should she ask, but don’t try to move her farther or faster than she wants to go. And, for god’s sake, don’t go all gaga about how sexy this is for you. You may do sex because your gonads are exploding;
she does it because it’s satisfying emotionally as well as physically. The fact that your gonads are exploding is not a selling point. The fact that you love and care about her is.

Although your goal is to have your partner agree to dominate you, sometimes the best you can hope for is that she doesn’t run screaming into the night. Ok, slight exaggeration but the reality is some people just aren’t able to relate to BDSM. By the time you get to the flat no, I hope you’ve made a good case for BDSM, because the next best thing to having your partner be your dom is to have her be ok with someone else being your dom. If your
partner sees your BDSM relationship as a threat to your relationship with her, that’s not going to happen. It’s a fine balance. You’ve just presented the loving and romantic nature
that BDSM can have and now you’re asking to do that with someone else. You’ve also stressed that BDSM relationships don’t have to include sex. Haven’t you? Because, your exploding
gonads aside, while many dominant women play with people other than their partners, most reserve sex for their permanent relationships. BDSM can be sensuous and sexy but, bottom line, it’s a power thing. Remember that, no matter who winds up being your dominant.

Safety

Whether you’re dom, sub or switch, male or female, there’s the potential to meet some great people via the Internet. With any luck, you won’t meet anyone who isn’t emotionally healthy or who has less than honorable intentions. It never hurts to give luck a little help, though. So the following are suggestions for things you might want to do to improve your ability to interact safely in cyberspace and beyond.

Being Safe On Line

Limit the amount of personal information you share in the early stages of a cyber relationship. Your first message to a potential partner should not contain information such as your full name, address or phone number. These are facts you’ll divulge later on, when the relationship has progressed and there’s trust between you.

When it comes time to provide this information be sure you’re engaging in a two-way exchange. If the other person wants your demographic information but refuses to give hers, consider this a big red flag. Verify the information you receive. Offer to call the
phone number and send a note to the physical address. If your potential partner refuses the offer, he should give you a reasonable explanation for the refusal. If so, explore with him
alternate ways of confirming the information. If not, here’s another red flag.

Be skeptical of sad stories that culminate in a request for a “loan” or some other type of assistance from you. In fact, just be skeptical, period. Don’t hesitate to ask whatever you need to know to confirm that this person is who she says she is.

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Preparing To Meet

Plan only non-sexual activities for the first meeting. Yes, I know, you’re sure this is the love of your life, your perfectly compatible BDSM partner, and you can’t wait to get out those whips and chains. Try this suggestion anyway. If you’re right, you can always renegotiate; if you’re wrong, you’ve got a built in way to extricate yourself from a sticky situation. If you’re both going to be staying at a hotel, consider getting separate rooms, for the same reasons.

Prepare a safety net, tell your potential partner about it, and activate it. At the very least, your safety net should consist of telling a trusted friend where you’re going and with whom you’ll be. In addition, you may want to arrange to call this friend one or more times during your encounter. You may also want to have codes to let her know if you’re ok or if you need help.

Plan to meet in a public place. If you belong to an on line group that has off line get togethers, these can be a safe, no pressure venue for a first meeting. If not, consider meeting at some other public function. If you prefer more privacy, a restaurant or mall
offers this while still providing the safeguard of having other people around.

If possible, get references from people who have seen your potential partner play in 3D. If he can’t steer you to a source you trust, however, remember that this may only be a function of the size of your circle of acquaintances. A reference is one more piece of information, not a guarantee of safety or competence.

Meeting (Finally!)

Do not play if you’re not comfortable. It’s perfectly fine to spend time getting to know someone and establishing a relationship. There’s no need to hurry to get to the physical stuff. Don’t give in to pressure to play before you’re ready and be wary of someone
who tries to pressure you.

If you decide to change your itinerary, be sure to notify the friends in your safety net.

Remember that a safe word protects you only if the submissive person is capable of using one and the dominant person respects it. Don’t substitute the promise of a safe word for doing your homework about the person.

Be aware that testing negative for HIV means only that the virus wasn’t present six months ago. The test tells you nothing about right now. Don’t let a negative test be the sole basis for your decision about practicing safe sex.

Which of these suggestions you decide to use is up to you. The degree of security you want will depend on how the relationship has developed and how comfortable you feel with this individual. Just bear in mind that, ultimately, the person responsible for your safety is you.

What you offer a Dominant

Many people think BDSM is bondage or CBT or spanking. Actually, bondage, CBT, spanking and so on are activities. BDSM is a way of handling power and control. The activities aren’t
BDSM, BDSM is what allows the activities to happen. There are people who have difficulty getting this distinction, which means there are people who have difficulty finding BDSM relationships. Here’s how to not be one of them.

Many submissives approach potential dominants this way. “Hello, Mistress. My name is Chip. I’m submissive. I like bondage, CBT and spanking.” If Chip is lucky, the dominant won’t say what she’s thinking, which is, “How nice. Go away.”

To offer submission is to offer your personal power and will. What you like will interest your dominant when you’re in a relationship but giving her that information right off the bat doesn’t increase your appeal as a submissive. Instead, it says that you see her as someone to satisfy your wants rather than as someone to whom you might surrender power. This is definitely the wrong message to send.

Chip, the eternal optimist, goes away and decides to try a different tack with the next dominant. To her he says, “My name is Chip. I want to please you.” Now, the obvious response here is, “Duh.”

It would make no sense for a dominant to accept the surrender of someone who wanted to make her life miserable. When you identify yourself as submissive it’s a given that you want to
please. Stating the obvious isn’t the best little conversation starter. But our Chip insists on courting disaster rather than a dominant. To be absolutely sure that he shoots himself in the foot he adds, “I have an eight inch penis.” Oh, lord. Who the hell cares? It’s not like we’re from the Guinness Book.

The mistake many submissives make is to try to separate parts from the whole and offer the parts. Most dominants aren’t looking for parts. Your penis isn’t all that different from most others, nor your desires. What’s unique, what makes a dominant select one submissive over another, is an individual’s personality, his skills, his talents and the way all those things come together.

If you want to be successful in your search for a dominant, spend only some of your time imagining bondage or perfecting your acceptance of spanking. Spend lots of time thinking about the surrender that makes those things possible. Your desire to submit is what distinguishes you from vanilla. What you have to offer a dominant is your willing surrender of control. Start with that as the foundation of your offer, then flesh out your offer with
the things that make you who you are. Your humor, your talents, your skills, your nterests, plus your submission are what you’re offering. It’s a package deal.

Pro Dommes

Many submissive men visit professional dommes (Pro Dommes). Doing this can be beneficial for several reasons. It’s a good way to get an idea of how BDSM works, to help to judge if
it’s right for you. It’s helpful for people who can’t commit to a BDSM relationship but still need to do BDSM. It can be good experience that helps you define what you need from a future
relationship. What visiting a pro domme doesn’t do is “train” you to be everyone else’s submissive nor is it exactly what BDSM is like in a personal relationship.

A pro domme is selling a service. It’s the rare man who wants to part with his money and not have at least some of his needs satisfied in return. What this means is that the surrender is only partial, the control is less than total. A pro domme wants you as
a repeat customer; so some of what she does is designed to please you, not her. This is not a bad thing. It’s neutral. You just have to understand that it happens and factor that into your assessment of BDSM and how it fits into your life.

You also have to factor that into any discussion of your experience. A man who has had relationships with pro dommes is a much different submissive than one who has spent the
same amount of time in personal relationships. His expectations will be different, as will his behaviors and approaches. Again, this is a neutral thing. Just be sure that, when talking about your experience, you’re clear about the source. Pro dommes tend to be of the “bitch goddess” school of BDSM. It’s a legitimate style of BDSM, it’s just not the only style of BDSM. An individual’s personality dictates what works for her in BDSM. Some people like the bitch goddess model, others prefer senior officer-junior officer, others practice a less structured form and there are many points in between. So, if you go around saying you’ve been “trained by Mistress Anne of Cleavage” don’t be surprised if the response is less than enthusiastic. It’s better if you can tell people what Mistress AC expected of you and how you responded to that. In other words, a prospective partner is interested in you and in your style.

BDSM has gotten a little more mainstream in the last few years. People are adopting the look and some people are even trying to walk the walk and talk the talk for profit. Some “female” doms who operate exclusively by phone and e-mail are guys. I’m not talking about transgendered people, here, I’m talking about men who are quite happy with their sex, lying about being women in order to make money. If you’re ok with that, fine. If you’re not, ask
some questions and spend your money elsewhere if you don’t get appropriate answers.

There are also vanilla woman who take up pro domming. I hate to tell you this, but they’re usually the ones who advertise themselves as hot and horny. Experienced, capable doms know
that BDSM is sexual but it isn’t sex. Beware of anyone who says she’s a “lifestyle mistress” and has her hand in her pants. Again, if you’re ok with that, fine, but it comes under the same heading as men masquerading as dominant women..

Some vanilla dommes and some gender benders give pretty decent performances. Conversely, some people who are dominant in their personal lives don’t perform well as pros. As
the customer, you have to accept responsibility for determining if the service you’re getting meets your needs and if you’re getting fair value for your money. There’s nothing that says subs can’t be savvy consumers.

Getting Damn Good

A page or so ago I said I’m damn good. I didn’t get that way sitting at a web cam. We may be born with the tendency to be dominant or submissive, but we have to develop the skills to go with the inclination. I’ve been stressing that submissives have to learn, about BDSM and about themselves, before they can offer their submission to anyone. The same is true of dominants. It takes a lot of navel gazing, information gathering and flogger throwing to become competent enough to earn a submissive’s trust.

Dominance isn’t just an attitude. In fact, most real life dominants don’t project some characteristic recognizable as “dominance.” There’s no posturing, strutting, condescension or even snarling, although there may be a belt flogger or two, depending on the situation. Most real life dominants are just quietly capable people.

What sets skilled dominants apart from wannabees and poseurs is knowledge. We don’t need to be medical personnel but we need to know enough about anatomy not to complete a circuit with someone’s heart during electrical play. We need to know that up side down suspension can damage a brittle diabetic and that numb hands mean adjustments are needed. We don’t need to be psychologists but we need to know that hitting the wrong emotional button can trigger a meltdown and we need to be able to deal with that. We need to know the effects
and consequences, both physical and mental, of endorphin and adrenaline rushes. We need to know how to deal with bruises and welts and we have to develop impeccable aim if we use a
flogger or singletail. In other words, it takes more than a paddle and a large vocabulary of insults to be a dominant. It takes intelligence, maturity, responsibility, time, work, and lots and lots of practice.

When people were mostly meeting face to face, when first play encounters often took place in groups, opportunists posing as dominants weren’t as much of a problem as they are in the cyber venue. It’s easy to pose in cyber, especially when the prospective submissive knows as little about BDSM as the poseur dom. That’s why I keep stressing that beginning submissives stuff themselves with information. If you know what a good dominant is, you’re better equipped to avoid someone who isn’t. It’s the difference between a fast food chicken sandwich and coq au vin. So I have to say something about McDommes, people who are attracted to BDSM because of profit rather than their own desire for power exchange.

There can’t be “bratty dommes.” There just can’t be, ok? By definition a brat is a child or an immature person. I just got through saying that a dominant has to be self aware, knowledgeable and mature. You can’t argue with that, especially when it’s your ass on the line. Would you let a childish person put you in inescapable bondage? Would you trust an immature person with your deepest needs and your emotional health? Of course you wouldn’t. So don’t give yourself to anyone who calls
herself a bratty dom. It’s just foolish.

I very uncomfortable with the notion of “money dommes.” I’ve been part of the BDSM community for a long time and I’ve only ever met two “money slaves.” These were people who gave up financial, and other, control as part of a negotiated BDSM relationship. Within this context their dominants took
responsibility for meeting a variety of needs in a variety of way. This is different than putting up a PayPal button and demanding “tribute.”

While we’re on the subject, tribute isn’t usually a part of real time, committed BDSM. Actually, tribute is a euphemism for “fee,” like professional dominants are too well bred or too fragile to admit they get paid for doing their jobs. You may want to believe you’re acknowledging the superiority of a goddess like creature but, basically, you’re paying for the service. Get over it and stop hitting the damn PayPal buttons. Be an intelligent consumer and just admit you’re paying the lady for her work.

I know what you’re thinking, “But, Mistress, I can’t be Ralph Nader. I’m just a lowly sub, a worm with no mind, a piece of crud with no rights.” Bull. Here’s a paradox for you. If Mistress/
Goddess/SupremeFemme is so superior, why would she want to interact with a mindless, cruddy worm? Are you seeing the conundrum here? Most people who have done the work required to become capable, competent dominants recognize the value of submissives. You need to recognize it, too. If humility is what you need, rest assured there are many ways of getting you to feel that. Shouting “stupid cocksucker” at you is one way, granted, but it’s possible to put you in your place with grace and finesse, too. The same skill that keeps you from getting a damaging whack across your kidney can also get inside your head and correct your bad little habits from the inside out. If “Mistress” considers
herself a brat or you a jerk, if her dominance is limited to grimacing at a web cam or demanding money for nothing, put on your Ralph Nader hat, hold tight to your wallet and go look for a better value.

One more thing, good doms have good gear. If Mistress is posing in her underwear holding a hair brush and a pool cue, chances are she’s in it for the money, not the fun. While a dungeon full of cool equipment doesn’t guarantee competence, most poseurs aren’t going to go out and invest in bondage
furniture and custom floggers just to use as props.

Now, in the interests of big-happy-familyness, I have to say if someone posing as a dom is what you need, go for it. If it isn’t, though, now you’ve got some tools to separate the dommes from the ploys.

Written by: unknown
ORIGINAL WEBSITE: http://www.bdsmrealm.net/
Is Sadomasochism a mental pathology? From Kraft-Ebing to Carl Jung, through years of research on the ground, Dorothy Hayden express her conclusion about masochism. The
proposal for a new Psychological approach to BDSM.

PSYCHOLOGICAL DIMENSIONS OF MASOCHISTIC SURRENDER

A number of years ago, in connection with my work with sexual addiction, a number of lifestyle submissives started coming to me for treatment. Some of these people were extremely hesitant to discuss their reasons for seeking therapy; they were so ashamed of their fantasies and behaviors that it took years of working with them until I knew their real names or their telephone numbers. Patients who able to be forthcoming about their masochistic behaviors and fantasies were as confused as I was. One of my patients, giving me a written masochistic fantasy after months of resistance, said, “Here it is. This is what I
came to therapy for. It’s terrible. It’s sick. It’s wonderful. I hate it; it’s my favorite fantasy. I can’t stand it, I love it. It’s disgusting. I don’t want to stop it.”

Learning about the world of S&M has been an invaluable experience to me. I had to admit to myself that, viewed from the perspective of what I knew about the nature of the individual self, masochism puzzled me by flying in the face of everything that was rational about the nature of the human personality. People want to be happy and to avoid pain and suffering. They seek to maintain and increase their control over themselves and their surroundings. And they desire to maintain and increase their prestige, respect, and esteem. Viewed from the perspective of these three principles about the self, masochism is a startling paradox. The self is developed to avoid pain, but masochists seek pain. The self strives for control, but masochists seek to relinquish control. The self aims to maximize its esteem, but
masochists deliberately seek out humiliation.

UNCOVERING a WORLD

I heard stories of whips, canes, racks, cock-and-ball torture, dripping wax on naked skin, electronic devices designed to deliver just the right amount of pain, the difficulty of finding the right mistress, and the surprising number of “dungeons” that existed within a few block radius of my mid-town office. Time and again, men would talk of the frustration of being unable to entice their wives or partners, who found these sexual activities to be perverse, into engaging in the sexual behaviors that they most longed for. I suspected that there was a vast number of people who felt tremendous shame and isolation about masochistic
submissive longings. I decided to check the clinical literature on masochism to better arm myself with some psychodynamic understanding of why these men, who so often felt shame- bound, were so keen to be dominated, hurt, tortured and humiliated by strong, dominate women.

This is what my research revealed: According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, (the shrink’s bible), anyone who engages regularly in
masochistic sex is mentally ill by definition. There is a long tradition of regarding masochism as the activity of mentally ill sick individuals. Freud described masochism as a perversion. One of his followers linked masochism to cannibalism, criminality, necrophilia and vampirism. Another analyst said that all neurotics are masochistics. In short, clinical perspectives have regarded masochists as seriously disturbed.

The THERAPEUTIC APPROACH

Krafft-Ebing, the nineteenth-century psychiatrist who coined the term, subsumed masochism under the broad heading of “General Pathology” in this famous volume, Psychopath Sexualize, in 1876. Masochism became a pathological, sexual and psychopathic phenomenon all at once. “By masochism I understand a particular perversion of the psychical sexual life in which the individual affected, in sexual feeling and thought, is controlled by the idea of being completely and unconditionally subject to the will of a person of the opposite sex; of being treated by this person as a master — humiliated and abused. This idea is colored by lustful feeling; the masochist lives in fantasies, in which he creates situations of this kind and often attempts to realize them. By this perversion his sexual instinct is often made more or less insensible to the normal charms of the opposite sex – incapable of a normal sexual life – psychically impotent.”

It has become practically a dogma of psychoanalytic thought that masochism is a sexual condition in which punishment is required before satisfaction can be reached. Freud understood the phenomenon as resulting from an “unconscious feeling of guilt” as “a need for punishment by some parental authority. Writing in 1919, Freud found the genesis and reference point for masochism in the Oedipus-complex. Masochism, he said, actually begins in infantile sexuality, when the wish for the incestuous connection with mother or father must be repressed. Guilt enters at this point, in connection with incestuous wishes.
The parent figure then becomes the dispenser of punishment instead of love and appears in desires for beating, spanking, etc. The fantasy of being beaten becomes the meeting place between the sense of guilt and sexual love. Whether it involves literal pain or not, the punishment desired by the masochist is enjoyed in and of itself. Punishment and satisfaction both give pleasure – and humiliation. Freud, in referring to masochism as
a “perversion”, cemented it forever in the ghetto of the aberrant and deviant.

My research, however, did not jibe with my clinical reality. The people who presented to me were not immature or inferior. In fact, the reverse seemed to be the case. Masochists are more likely to be successful by social standards: professionally, sexually, emotionally, culturally, in marriages or out. They are frequently individuals of inner strength of character, possessed of strong coping skills with an ethical sense of individual responsibility. A famous study of the “sexual profile of men in power” found to the researchers’ surprise, a high quantity of masochistic sexual activity among successful politicians, judges and other important and influential men.

From pathology to LIFESTYLE

It became obvious to me that psychology’s theories of masochism were obsolete. In the 1960’s, homosexuality was deleted from the DSMIV and was recognized not as a pathology, but as a lifestyle choice. It is my contention that the same should be done with masochism and that, like homosexuality, it needs to be removed from the rubric of “psychopathology” and be seen for what it is: a sexual lifestyle choice. It is the intention of this paper to suggest ways of understanding masochism without invoking theories of mental illness.

The questions, however, remained. I puzzled as to why so many men, raised in a culture that valued masculine initiative, assertiveness, and dominance, want to be relieved of these qualities and surrender their will to a strong, dominant woman who might torture, control and humiliate them. What was the basis of this compelling urge to surrender and serve, to relinquish control, to accept physical pain and emotional humiliation?

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As I listened to my patients over the years, I began to see masochism less as a sexual aberration and more as a metaphor through which psyche speaks of its suffering and passion. There was a definite connection between suffering and pleasure the intrigued me. Clients spoke of the rapturous delight in submission, the worship, in wild abandon and the deliverance from the confining bondage of “normalcy”.

Ritualized suffering seemed to be a way of giving meaning and value to human infirmities. After all, there is no paucity of suffering in human life. None of us need go looking for pain. The suffering of helplessness, disappointment, loss, powerlessness and limitation, is a part of the human condition. It is my hunch that there is something like a universal need, wish or longing for surrender completely to certain aspects of human life and that it assumes many forms. This passionate longing to surrender comes into play in at least some instances of masochism. Submission, losing oneself to the power of the other, becoming enslaved to the master is the ever-available lookalike to surrender.

The SUBSPACE

Submissives speak of a quality of liberation, freedom and expansion of the self in a scene as a situation similar to the letting down of defensive barriers. They speak of the experience of complete vulnerability. I believe that buried or frozen, is a longing for something in the environment to make possible surrender, a sense of yielding of the false self. The false self is an idea developed by a famous psychoanalyst who posited that most parents need their children to behave in circumscribed ways in order for the child to receive their love. For a child, parental love is a matter of survival, and so the child forges a “self” that they think will ensure parental love and approval. The false self is usually a “caretaker” self. A Scene sometimes allows for years of defensive barriers that support the false self to be broken through. It carries with it a longing for the birth of the true self. Deep down we long to give up, to “come clean”, as part of a general longing to be known or recognized. The prospect of surrender may be accompanied by a feeling of dread and or relief or even ecstasy. It is an experience of being “in the moment”, totally in the present. Its ultimate direction is the discovery of one’s identity, one’s sense of self, of one’s sense of wholeness, even one’s sense of unity with other living beings. Joyous in spirit, it transcends the pain that evokes it. One’s exquisite pain is sometimes akin to mystical ecstasy. Within the context of that surrender, a self-negating submissive experience occurs in which the person is enthralled by the dominant partner. The intensity of the masochism is a living testimonial of the urgency with which some buried part of the personality is screaming to be released. The surrender is nothing less than a controlled dissolution of self-boundaries.

The deeper yearning is the longing to be reached, known and accepted in a safe environment which narcissistic, dysfunctional or preoccupied parents were unable to provide the child at a young age.

Fantasies of being raped, which are very common, can have all manners of meanings. Among them, one will almost always find, sometimes deeply buried, a yearning for deep surrender. The submissive longs for and wishes to be found, recognized, penetrated to the core, so as to become real, or, as one analyst says it “to come into being.”

Rituals and CREATIVITY

In addition to the longing to surrender into a truer sense of self, masochistic behaviors have another meaning. People need and take delight in fantasy production. Ask the Disneyland folk who cater to adults as much as to children. Scenes have tremendous potential for potentiating fantasy. Costumes, rituals, scenarios, an endless variety of sex props, and elaborate sets reveal of the richness the creative inner life and speak to the very real human
need for fantasy play. The fantasies are the carriers of a full spectrum of human feelings: to control, to be controlled, to tease, to be teased, to play, to please, and to achieve solace
from the confines of the mundaness of ordinary life. They represent the suspension of normal reality that is an occasional necessity for all healthy people.

Probably the last thing masochism appears aimed at is balance. In keeping with its paradoxical nature, masochism provides not so much a state of weakness, but a sense of
surrender, receptivity and sensitivity. Masochism is the condition of submitting fully to an experience, which counters lives that, in our Western society, are ego-centered, constrained, rational, and competitive. Strength can be a terrible burden. It is a constraint, which can be relieved in moments of abandonment, of letting down and letting go. So it is hardly surprising that the pull of masochistic experiences should be so strong in a culture
the overvalues ego strength at the expense of a fuller experience of all dimensions of psychic life.

In conclusion, I believe that therapists need to radically alter their approach to doing psychotherapy with masochistic patients. My colleagues complain that masochists are difficult to “cure”. Perhaps because the paradigm from which these therapists operate are faulty. The recognition of value and meaning in the desire to suffer humiliation runs counter to the prevailing attitude in psychology. The main thrust of modern theory and practice
has been toward ego psychology. The values of psychotherapy have been aimed, for the most part, at building strong, coping, rational problem-solving egos. Ego-values are certainly worthy ones, yet it costs something to gain strength, to cope, to be rational and to solve problems. This may account for the dissatisfaction many people feel after years of psychotherapy. Building a strong ego is only one side of the story; it neglects other, crucial parts of the human psyche. Modern psychology has been in large measure dominated by helping people develop independence, strength, achievement decisive action, coping and planning. What’s missing is attention to the more subtle dimensions of soul.

The charm of SHADOWS

The psychoanalyst most in tuned with the missing element in psychotherapeutic work with masochism is Carl Jung. Masochism may be imagined as cultivation of what Jung called
the “shadow” – the darker, mostly unconscious part of the psyche which he regarded not as a sickness, but as an essential part of the human psyche. The shadow is the tunnel, channel, or connector through which one reaches the deepest, most elemental layers of psyche. Going through the tunnel, or breaking the ego defenses down, one feels reduced and degraded. Usually, we try to bring the shadow under the ego’s domination. Embracing the shadow, on the other hand, provides a fuller sense of self-knowledge, self-acceptance and a fuller sense of being alive. Jung’s idea of the shadow involves force and passivity, horror and beauty, power and impotence, straightness and perversion, infantilism, wisdom and foolishness. The experience of the shadow is humiliating and occasionally frightening, but it is a reduction to life‹to essential life, which includes suffering, pain, powerlessness and humiliation. Submission to masochistic pain, loss of control and humiliation serves to embrace our shadow rather than deny it. The result is the achievement of an inner life that accepts and embraces all aspects of our selves and allows us to live with a deeper sense of our true selves.

In conclusion, the psychotherapeutic community needs to re- examine masochistic submissions to see it not as a pathology but as a healthy vehicle for surrendering fixed defense mechanisms, for relinquishing control to something or someone greater than themselves, for achieving freedom from the pervasive and relentless need to cultivate, promote and assert the self, for gaining some relief from having to make innumerable choices and decisions, for engaging in healthy fantasy enactments, and for the exploration, acknowledge and acceptance the “darker” or “shadow” side of their personalities.
In addition, many patients speak of achieving a loss of self- awareness that they describe as ecstasy or bliss in which the individual transcends his normal limits and ceases to be aware of self in ordinary terms.

A travesty of our profession is that we continue to try to “cure” a systems of beliefs and behaviors that enrich and enlivens the lives of so many people. The continuing pathologizing of masochism by keeping it in the DSMIV as a psychopathology and by most therapists’ efforts to “cure” masochists is in part responsible for the continued , shame, isolation and low self- esteem of these creative, spontaneous and courage people who
want to be afforded the dignity of choosing their own form of non- exploitative sexuality.

Written by: Jaie Helier
Original Website: http://www.cleansheets.com/archive/archarticles/howto_03.01.00.html

You’re male or female; bi or straight; lesbian, hetero, gay. You’re a soft romantic sort, or hard and horny. You want sex — we all want sex. You like it.
You go looking for someone to have it with. You woo or let yourself be wooed, in a manner which pleases you both. You do the things; you say the words.
You circle ’till you both get naked. Then you apply your body to theirs, skin to skin, finding the way to the appropriate place, in the appropriate way. Then as long, as safe, as satisfying, and as often as you possibly can, you both get your rocks off and that’s all there is to it.

Or is it?

Do you ever wake up in the early hours of the morning and find yourself imagining having sex in ways you would never talk about to anyone — not even the person whose genitals you have just sucked; to whom you have opened every orifice of your body; who has heard you moaning and crying as you came?

Do you dream of seeing pee dribbling through a girl’s knickers and down her leg? Do you dream of being bent over the knee of somebody strong and whipped with a television cord? Do you fantasize about being made to stand on your office chair with your pants down as a punishment for masturbating? Do you think of having sex with animals? Do you long to be tied up with your legs wide apart, so anyone in the room could do anything to you and you’d be helpless to stop them? Do you imagine yourself naked but for a plastic raincoat, fucking with someone in tight black rubber?

Okay, I don’t know this for certain, but I suspect that if you don’t ever think of anything like this, you must be dead.

Sex is not simple. Think of it as a river. You see it and you say “this river flows west,” or, “this river flows east.” You think that’s all there is to say about it, but look a little further back and you realize that all rivers are made of tributaries and streams. Some are big, some small, some are straight and obvious, some snaky and hidden. One of the great delights of spending time at the river is discovering those odd and sometimes delightful little streams that feed the main flow and make it the unique, individual thing it is.

Our society has the tendency to say that all sex is straight hetero sex and anything else is dirty. More recently, we have begun to agree that maybe gayand lesbian sex is okay, sort of, but anything more diverse than that, my dear, and you’re a pervert. So we keep our little desires in our hearts and we tell no one, not even our dearest loves who give us such pleasure and with whomwe share everything else in life. We don’t explore, we just dream of exploring; and we don’t even let ourselves really admit that these things, these unspeakable perverted fantasies we just can’t shake off, are part of what we are. It’s a shame, isn’t it? Yes, it is — and perhaps that’s the shame that’s killing us.

You would like to reveal your inner longings because you think that it would be good for you. Perhaps it would reduce your stress, enrich your relationship, enhance even further the sex you both enjoy. You would like to reveal it to your partner because somewhere in your heart you feel that, surely, that is exactly with whom you should be sharing this. You even hope it will be good for you both, good for the partnership. Something you can enjoy secretly together, another part of the marvelous conspiracy you are as a couple.

You hope all that, and perhaps you’re right. Perhaps, but be prepared – take care. Each person who enters a relationship brings with them a lot of baggage. Sexual diversity challenges our most ingrained sexual fears. Your partner, with whom you laugh and cry, who knows you like no one else, may
also have hidden depths. These may be hidden depths of fear and loathing you wouldn’t have thought possible.

In every enterprise of any worth, there is a risk. This enterprise is worthwhile. Treated carefully, it could bring you both the richest, most fulfilling sex you’ve ever had, but it is important to minimize the risk. Unless you’re impossibly driven by your particular fetish (in which case it isn’t fun anymore and you may need help), the purpose of the exercise must be to discover to what extent the streams and bywaters of your sexuality match those of your partner.

When you have discovered that, go no further. And be very careful to ensure that your partner knows, right from the start, that this is all you want to do. To try to force your partner to join with you in a kind of sex that repels them is not only wrong but it may well kill their feelings for you. Sexual attraction is a delicate balance of the real and the illusionary — resilient enough under most circumstances but it can be damaged if jerked out of its comfort zone.

So how do you reveal these strange and wonderful needs of yours without damaging the relationship you are trying to nourish?

A woman with whom I corresponded for a while very much wanted to be spanked by her husband. They had a good sexual relationship and she knew him as a gentle and considerate man. Somehow she knew that the thought of hurting her, even in fun, would be shocking to him, against all his instincts and upbringing. For a while she suppressed the impulse to explore, but the desire stayed with her. She believed that if she could find just the right way to introduce it, their relationship would be able to encompass a little spanking.

So she wrote him a story. She had never written before, and it wasn’t a brilliant piece of fiction, but she wrote it about characters who were recognizably like them and she left it in his pocket with a lipstick kiss on it. It took three stories before he began to understand that it wasn’t just literature for literature’s sake. One day he made the connection between her occasional irrational bouts of bratty behavior and the stories she gave him, and he put her over his knee. It seems he never really took to the idea entirely — it always remained her initiative — but she got some memorable spankings out of it and their sex life didn’t suffer a bit.

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The beauty of her patient approach was that it allowed him to understand her need and to fulfill it as completely as was comfortable for him. She would have loved to have been spanked harder, longer and more often but she was happy with what they had been able to achieve and didn’t push him beyond
where he wanted to go. That’s the best way.

In this example, of course, the pain and indignity is all suffered by the partner who initiated the exploration. On the face of it, that is a lot simpler than the other way round. Suppose, for instance, she had wanted to spank him, or dress him in baby clothes, or tie him to the bedpost by his genitals with a
ballgag in his mouth. Suppose he had been the initiator, wanting to do similar things to her.

One’s natural and immediate assumption is that normal people don’t want those things. We see each others “street” faces, self-possessed, cool, well- dressed. We assume that these personas are who each of us really wants to be. Of course, to some degree they are; but then we are a lot of things and it is
a mistake to take too simplified a view of human desire. Nobody is inclined in just one direction.

The straight, heterosexual person whose only sexual desire is to procreate is a myth. Lots of people would like to believe they are that, and all of us tend to think everyone else is. Maybe that’s why we so easily deride and condemn when we find someone who clearly isn’t.

The truth is that everyone — no matter how respectable, clean, fashionable, intelligent they may be outside — has desires and secret longings. When we want to explore the potential for sexual diversity in our relationships, we must start from the assumption that there is always a chance, just a chance, that our sexual quirks and those of our partners may be compatible – however strange they may be.

Be very gentle with your partner’s sensibilities. Never lose sight of the way back. Remember that what you already have together is precious and, if it isn’t, you shouldn’t even be considering this. Nevertheless, don’t be afraid. Introduce the subject in conversation. If your partner reacts violently against the idea then probe gently to find out why this reaction is as it is. Sometimes, but not always, immediate condemnation can conceal an unexplored, or perhaps guilty, fascination. Find pictures, stories, newspaper articles, internet sites — whatever fits the usual way you and your partner communicate about common interests. Over a prolonged period, this will allow you to get a picture
of how they really feel, and even if they’re not immediately interested, perhaps they might become interested. Take lots of time so your partner doesn’t start getting the feeling that all you think about these days is this particular interest.

Feed the feelings and interest between you with the idea that this might be shared. Experiment in love-play to see if things similar to your interest are acceptable. Be prepared and willing to laugh with them about it — that may be their way of testing whether this is something you have under control. Laughter is also a good way back if it turns out not to be acceptable.

Suppose your dream comes true. Suppose you long to pee on your partner, and this is what they would like too. Or to stand on them with six inch heels, or make them your sex slave or dress them up as a pony. What then?

Well, the first thing is to understand that you’ve still got to live with each other. Nothing that passes between you in sex-play must be allowed, even for a moment, to change the behaviors and respect you need to survive the rest of the time.

Secondly, the fact that you and your partner now, for instance, share of a love of exhibitionism doesn’t mean that public sex is all they want to do. In fact, maybe it means the opposite. It may mean putting more effort into the other times, so they know for certain that nothing has changed and that the
relationship doesn’t just depend on their willingness to do the exotic stuff.

Thirdly, never lose sight of how precious it is to find someone whom you can not only love and live with, but who also shares with you the little tributary desires. To have found this must make your relationship stronger and more loving, more interdependent. If it doesn’t then either you or your partner could be making a bad mistake.

Sometimes one partner will agree to something they’re not really comfortable with to please the other person. Don’t press them into this position. Talk frequently about their comfort level. It will come out in the end and if they begin to feel trapped and unhappy the relationship will suffer.

So why do it? Why take that risk? The reason is that, if you are careful, it is worth finding out. Too many people feel that their secret desires are unfulfilled in their otherwise perfectly good relationships. We commit to each other and, if we expect that commitment to be constant, then we have a duty to be open to each other; to explore and to allow exploration. If we are not interested in the whole of our partner but only the bits we like, then perhaps we have no right to expect full commitment. On the other hand, if we are open to the things our partner wants, no matter how peculiar, who knows what might happen?

Pleasure could take on a whole new meaning. Mmmm ….

Written by: MsIn10sity
ORIGINAL WEBSITE: http://www.bdsmrealm.net

When you call her a slut: in the words of a sweet and experienced submissive, the meaning and different kinds of humiliation play: from dirty talking to animal roleplay, from confession to orgasm denial, all the faces of sweet dishonor.

EROTIC HUMILIATION, when done by experienced partners can be intensely pleasurable… and very erotic. There are as many ways of humiliation play as there are people who like it, I think. And what one partner finds erotic, another may find insulting and hurtful… this is why I say that getting into this “area” is best enjoyed by partners who know one another very well, as well as the submissive being very open about what she doesn’t like and the dominant being cautious about watching and listening for the submissive’s reactions.

Humiliation in the BDSM context doesn’t mean making someone feel small and stupid and ugly. It should, if both partners enjoy it, be felt as a powerful internal feeling of the loss of inhibitions as well as a truly erotically pleasing feeling, and speaking personally, I find it a very intimate part of a session.

I think beginners (particularly submissives) think that either there is something wrong with them for wanting to be called, for instance, “my little slut”… or, at the other end of the spectrum, they don’t have a concept of what humiliation is really about since everyone is taught at an early age that humiliation is a “bad feeling” inside and it is wrong to do to someone else…

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Again, the term “humiliation” in BDSM isn’t about telling someone they look fat in those jeans or that they are stupid when they make a mistake… It is about the power and intimacy between dominant and submissive, slave and Master that allows inhibitions to be lost and those wonderful dark places to come to the foreground in a scene/session.

Being told to open various orifices of your body for inspection by the dominant can be delicious for some submissives. Being told to masturbate for the dominant’s pleasure is another form of humiliation that some slaves/subs find very erotic… And one of my favorite areas of humiliation play is “denial”… denial of my own pleasure until I am given permission to experience it. Another thing I find quite humiliating and very “wicked” is watching a dominant handle his own (ahem) personal “equipment” and denying the submissive access to it as he does so… sort of enforced voyeurism, if you will.

Many submissives also enjoy being called various so-called “four-or-more letter” pet names at appropriate moments during the session… it seems to make the sensation of submission more intense somehow, for lack of a better way to put it. Being ordered to perform tasks that the dominant enjoys is also considered humiliation play, such as lapping liquid from a bowl, crawling on the floor and, perhaps, retrieving a crop and bringing it back to the dominant in one’s mouth… Another form of humiliation play is being commanded to count the spanks or blows of a whip, cat, flogger, paddle, etc. And depending on one’s desire and style, there are many other things that fit this category.

Some other kinds of humiliation involve “confessions” in a role- playing type session… either real or fantasy confessions, giving the dominant lurid details. Variations on humiliation are endless, as I mentioned.

I think that most newcomers (and I include beginning dominants in this category) are simply turned off by the vanilla meaning of the word and haven’t yet realized that they may already have done such play and not realized that it fits the term humiliation. I’ve been asked about guidelines for this type of play… and there simply aren’t any because everyone is different. I stress to everyone who reads this essay that humiliation must be a kind of self-and-partner discovery process with everyone being honest and no one setting out to hurt the other… after all… this is all about pleasure, isn’t it?