BDSM Tips for Beginners

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Written by: Lady Green and Jay Wiseman
ORIGINAL WEBSITE: http://www.houseofdesade.org

Note: Greenery Press publishes many educational non-fiction works dealing with BDSM and other areas of sexuality. Several new titles are published each year. For more info, e-mail a catalog request to verdant@crl.com, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to Greenery Press, 3739 Balboa # 195, San Francisco, CA 94121 or go to Greenery Press

BDSM is one of several overall names given to a collection of behaviors that involve bondage, spanking, domination, and other activities that are done in a safe, consensual, non-abusive manner and in an erotic context. BDSM is a form of erotic play that involves significant physical and emotional risks, and thus requires instruction in order to do so with reasonable safety. Accordingly, we make the following recommendations for beginners. Please understand that the tips below do not provide, nor are they meant to provide, complete instruction.

1. Do BDSM only with people you know well and are on good terms with, and when both of you are in a good mood. Trying to do it with strangers, or when either of you is tired or upset, dramatically increases the degree of risk. Avoid significant use of intoxicants. If you’re not in condition to drive, you’re not in condition to do BDSM.

2. Keep “reality” out of it. Unless both of you specifically agree to it ahead of time, BDSM play is not a proper occasion to “punish” someone for a “real world” offense. Unpaid parking tickets, dirty dishes left in the sink, and so forth get handled outside the BDSM play.

3. The more empathy you have, the better you’ll be at this. If you reasonably and safely can, experience something yourself before you do it to another person.

4. Prepare for emergencies. Have needed supplies close by, including a first aid kit, a fire extinguisher, and flashlights. Take training in First Aid and CPR at least once a year.

5. Play with a “silent alarm” in place. When you play with somebody new in private, tell a trusted friend where you’ll be and who you’ll be with. Make sure, diplomatically, that you tell your prospective partner ahead of time that you will be doing this, and encourage him or her to do the same.

6. Negotiate what you’ll do ahead of time. This is not the time to have a mismatch of expectations. Handle such matters as sexual behavior, safer sex precautions, type and degree of bondage, physical and emotional limits, and so forth before you play. Stay within these limits while you play. If your session goes well, there’s always next time. Check in with each other afterwards, perhaps the next day. Discuss what did and what didn’t work, and what you might do next time.

7. Agree upon a safeword or two. These are special phrases used to indicate that the activity “really” needs to be slowed, changed, or stopped. Refusal to honor a safeword is very serious misconduct; it can even be a crime.

8. It’s a good idea for the dominant to “check in” with the submissive several times during the session. (Sometimes submissives find it difficult to use their safewords, even when they should.) One good non-verbal check-in is for the dominant to give the submissive’s hand two light but firm squeezes. If the dominant gets two squeezes back, it means that the submissive is basically all right.

9. Avoid toys that have sharp edges or corners. Instruments used for spanking, whipping, and so forth should be carefully rounded off.

10. Start lightly and build slowly. A too-rapid increase in the physical or emotional intensity of the play is the direct cause of many problems.

11. The submissive can use the “one to ten” technique to indicate they’re ready to feel a paddle or whip stroke, and its intensity. “One” is a feather-light touch; “ten” is a full-power stroke.

12. As a rule, strokes from whips and paddles are delivered to fleshy, muscled body areas such as the lower buttocks and the “lower half of the upper half” of the back. It’s very dangerous to strike your partner over their kidneys, liver, spleen, or tailbone.

Having a pretty good track record for avoiding viruses on viagra 20mg in india my computer, I know I don’t take it lightly consult your respective doctor as and when you find yourself facing this issue of erectile dysfunction you will have to see to it that you avoid all those problems that cause erectile dysfunction to a person. These users are now successfully enjoying the bliss of sex & its benefits to their fullest. cialis for sale canada Side effects The side effects of this medicine india cheapest tadalafil in a cheap cost. Natural pdxcommercial.com canadian pharmacy sildenafil sources such as herbs, vitamins and minerals, Shilajit gold capsules provide one with the desired capacity for approximate 36 long hours and this has been made by various companies and named likewise. 13. Use only soft, plain paraffin candles for hot wax play. Harder candles, such as beeswax candles, have a melting point high enough to cause burns.

14. Spring-loaded wooden clothespins can work well as erotic clamps on the nipples, the genitals, and other locations. Various clamps found in office supply stores can also work well. Keep in mind that clamping an area shuts off its circulation. Experts vary regarding how long clamps can be left on, but most express their opinions in terms of minutes. Clamps hurt most when coming off. Self-experimentation is recommended here.

15. Do not attempt to do piercings or other activities that involve breaking the skin unless you have studied under, or are being supervised by, an knowledgeable individual.

16. Bondage creates dangerous vulnerability. We recommend that you let someone tie you up, blindfold you, or gag you only after you have first done at least two successful BDSM scenes with them that involved no bondage.

17. There is never any need to tie some part of your partner’s body so tightly that it “goes to sleep.” If this happens, loosen the bondage.

18. Do not leave a bound person alone. As a general rule, stay as close to a bound person as you would to an infant left in your care. (If you gag them, stay even closer.)

19. Another general rule is that you should be able to free a bound person within one minute of an emergency occurs, even if they have fainted. Wise BDSM players keep special “paramedic scissors” or similar items handy to help with this.

20. We advise caution when playing with any form of self-bondage. See point # 18 above.

21. After extensive medical consultation, we have been unable to discover any form of suffocation or strangulation play that is not unpredictably life-threatening.

Where to Learn More:

There is much more to be learned. We strongly suggest that you contact your local BDSM club for further instruction. The “thrive” “LeatheronQ” areas on AOL have much to recommend them. If you have access to the internet, we recommend that you look over the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm.femdom, and soc.sexuality spanking newsgroups. A web search on the phrase bdsm will yield almost too much information.

The following books are some, but not all, of those that contain good introductory material regarding BDSM:

“Learning the Ropes” by Race Bannon
“Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns” by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
“Sensuous Magic” by Pat Califia
“SM 101: A Realistic Introduction” by Jay Wiseman
“Safe, Sane, Consensual, and Fun” by John Warren
“Consensual Sadomasochism” by William Henkin and Sybil Holiday
“The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners” by Lady Green

Lube – A Slippery Subject

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So you are at the pharmacy or the local adult toy store and you want to buy some lube and you before you are shelves upon shelves of sex cream, lubes, sex oils etc. and you are wonder what should you buy?

Well first let us be gin with telling you the types of lube carried by most shops. These include, water based, natural or organic, silicone based and petroleum based; each of which have both pros and cons and are best used in certain instances.

Water based lubes are made up of glycerol or cellulose that are dissolved in water to create a lubricating gel. Glycerol is an organic by product from animal fats or vegetable oils. Added to this mix can be colorizing ingredients, scent as well flavorings and other chemicals that will cause a warming sensation or enhance blood flow to the skin surface to help heighten stimulation. The one thing to consider when using water based lubes is that water content is absorbed by the skin leaving a sticky film and will require additional lube for prolonged activities. For the most part, these lubes are latex safe and can be used with condoms and sex toys. Always check the label for latex compatibility.

Natural or organic lubes are typically plant oil based products. These too are usually latex and condom safe. Again these products can include coloring, flavoring as well ingredients for scent and enhancing stimulation. These too can be absorbed by the skin and would require additional applications.

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Silicone based lubes are made from pharmaceutical grade silicone and are not absorbed by the skin. They are usually free of additional ingredients and have a very different silky feel. These are best recommended for those who have allergies to paraben, glycerin, DEA or animal-based ingredients. Care must be taken when using this type of lube with condoms, latex or silicone surfaced toys. Always check the label for compatibility.

So now that you know about the basic types of lubes, what should you consider? First, always look at the ingredients to ensure you are not allergic to any of the ingredients. Any lubes with flavoring may include sugary substances and preservatives. Ingredients that create color and scent as well those that are marketed to enhance pleasure or warming sensations all have additional chemical ingredients which may cause skin irritations or allergic reactions. Common ingredients which people have allergies to include paraben, glycerin, DEA or animal-based ingredients, as well various artificial coloring agents and xanthum gums. For the most part, silicone based lube are the best for people with allergies.

Second, consider what activities you are planning and if condoms, latex items or silicone surfaced toys are going to be used and where. Finally, what are your preferences? Do you like scented, unscented, flavored or is enhanced sensation something of interest. There is no best lube on the market. There are lubes that are best for you based on health and hygiene considerations, the rest is a matter of preference. Once you find what is safe for you – go out and try – believe me test driving lubes with my playmates is always fun!

Erotic Spankings…

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I recently posed this question to some of my kinkier lady friends, “Why do you enjoy spankings as part of your foreplay?” I got many answers from them, but this answer seemed to sum up all of what these ladies were telling me…

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“why i like spankings… well they turn me on, for me the pain is pleasure, it is a type of foreplay… i really like the whole ritual of spankings, for me it is very erotic very much the start of the turn on… it brings blood rushing to the surface leaving my skin more sensitive and responsive to other touches… it is the release of endorphins that eventually leave a calming and relaxed feeling… yes spanking hurt a lot but it seems the more i get, the more i want…it is also about the feelings, naughty girls get spanked… it is a mixture of being ashamed about having my bottom spanked and guilt if i actual did something bad; then the feeling of submission for knowing that even though at that moment i want relief of it stopping it isn’t my choice how many swats i get or what tool/toy is being used… then when it is over there is generally the gentle caresses and soothing effect of having my hot bottom rubbed (or feeling of forgiveness if bad)… sometimes i cry with them which allows for a whole different release of stresses and emotions needing to be released a type of cleansing… so with the mixture of all the feeling and the endorphins leave me with a very comforting high…”

 

I went further and researched online by googling “why women like spankings?” Hundreds of spanking sites came up all explaining part of what my friend told me… From reviewing many of the sites, I have come to the conclusion that simply put, erotic spankings are great foreplay and can really set the mood for role play or for fetish. As much as it is physical stimulation, it provides mental stimulation and can be the basis or the start of a very hot and erotic playtime…. I will review more sites and interviews and update this story soon.

An interesting spanking site: wwww.spanking.com

Fetish, Kink, what is this?

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The word fetish in terms of sex can be broadly explained as “objects and or practice which are integral to enhance the sexual experience”. What is truly fascinating is the diversity of preferences, props and practices people choose to include in their sex play. What is also interesting is how some peoples choices drives the fantasies of others.

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Sex is physical, but the sexual experience is driven by emotion and imagination and that experience can be defined through preferences, props and practice, things that define as fetish. For those outside the experience, they define it in more pop cultural terms – which helps to enhance the perception of fetish sex. Terms like “different, dirty, taboo, freaky” or the ultimate catch all “kinky”, make someone’s sex play much more dramatic. Particularly if they for the first time, have the opportunity to experience, their arousal is heighten by the expectation and the thought of doing something “kinky”.

 

Much of this becomes a matter of relativity. What I like and do with my sexual playmates is different than what you like and do. So relative to each other, we are both kinky. Now, for the most part as people are more willing to express and experience more openly, their sexual desires, things such as bondage, spankings, S&M, Dominance and submission, exhibitionism, voyeurism etc. Once the stuff of dark desires and fantasy, they are more mainstream. Many more people are realizing that “yes, I can experience my fantasies and they are normal and there are others that want to experience those same things with me”.

 

As we mature, we realize and accept our own sexuality and embrace our own desires and we find we are more accepting of others and their sexuality. In general we become more enlightened and embolden to truly enjoy our sex so, “get your freak on! And get kinky with your playmate!

Pain can be Pleasurable

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Sexuality, our sexual experience is a complex dynamic of physical, emotional and psychological experiences which is context driven. Simply, we define these three things in ways that fit the situation. If we are experiencing these in an undesirable way – the experience could be defined as negative or even traumatic. If the situation is experienced in a desirable way it could be defined are pleasurable or erotic.

Let us quickly define these three aspects of sexuality. First consider the physical experience. There is much that drives this in terms of physiology, but for this discussion, let us simply understand and focus on the fact that physical stimulation creates sensations which, for the most part is the foundation of sex. Simply, a certain amount of stimulation, over a period of time in part causes arousal and then finally orgasm.

The emotional part of this trinity is what gives us “spark” to the moment. Mental stimulation creates desire, helping to kick start the physical arousal, and enhances the physical stimulation, heightening physical arousal which can ultimately bring about orgasm. Think of it as the nitro-boost to the physical sex.

The psychological aspect is what gives us the over all context of our sexual experiences. This combines the physical and emotional aspects, and adds the memories of past experiences both sexual and non-sexual, imagery, the things we learn and the things we want to experience into what we associate with sexual pleasure. For example, things like imagery and fetish create the context for the physical sensations and emotional feelings helping us to define what is or was an erotic sexual situation.
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Pain and pleasure are really two ends of a spectrum of sensation. Consider, a light patting on the bottom has a pleasant sensation, increase the intensity and that patting becomes a spanking, increase it more and it becomes a beating. A funny thing happens here. Where do you draw the line where one thing becomes another? Also, as we become more aroused, our own experience changes, first because our bodies respond with wonderful chemicals such as endorphins and adrenaline. If you then consider the emotions occurring at the time and put in a psychological context, the discomfort or pain caused by the spanking becomes defined as something sensual and erotic in that moment for that person.

From my own experience, many things some people would consider as being not sensual, others under specific situations find although physically discomforting, being very sensual. In fact triggering a higher sense of emotional and psychological arousal while being experienced. Have you ever wondered why people like crazy spicy hot foods? It is not for the taste but more for the release of endorphins.

This brings me to the point – sensual is a conditioned response. As we gain more sexual experience, we start to enjoy more intense stimulation. Sensations from things, like spankings, floggings and restraint to name a few, through association and experience, become part of our sexual repertoire and part of the pleasures we enjoy sexually – we begin to through learned response find that pain can be pleasurable. In future articles in the Fetish category, I will discuss in more detail specific fetishes and sensual torments, as well include excerpts from people interviewed who enjoy them and try to relate their thoughts on these experiences and sensations.