Written by: Mistress Violette
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Styles of BDSM

It’s not fair to tell you there are many ways to practice BDSM without telling you about some of them. Here’s a brief explanation of some of the most common. There are all sorts of
variations. What’s important to remember is that none of them is The Best Way. Each is the best way for some people, not necessarily for you. If you find a style of BDSM doesn’t work for you, it’s fine to move on rather than try to force yourself into a mold that doesn’t fit. Even if it means searching a little longer, achieving goodness of fit is worth the wait.

Let’s start with the model that’s probably the most familiar and popular, the Bitch Goddess. This is the one seen most often in the media and on commercial web sites. The dominant woman is a cruel and distant goddess who treats her submissives like worms, dirt, garbage, take your pick. I suspect this is popular because it’s hot, at least, in the moment. People being what they are, it takes a lot of work to maintain this scenario. The goddess is going to want support sometime, the worm is going to need to take initiative sometime and somebody has to handle calling the plumber and getting groceries. No matter what anyone says, no one can live this full time.

Female Supremacy is a concept that often goes hand in hand with the Bitch Goddess view of BDSM. It’s a sociological, and sometimes political, view that basically says the women are
superior, men inferior. Then, depending on their own ideologies, people add personal bells and whistles. The notion of female supremacy fits some forms of BDSM like a glove.
Domestic Discipline is somewhat like the stereotype of a Victorian era marriage. One partner is in charge, the other obeys. If that partner doesn’t obey, he or she is firmly corrected. There are those who practice domestic discipline yet don’t consider themselves part of the BDSM community. I’m including this category anyway, because there’s a definite, negotiated power transfer in these relationships.

Gorean philosophy is based on a series of novels by John Norman. Although you don’t often see this form of BDSM in female dominant/male submissive relationships, I want to talk
about it because some male subs try to adopt Gorean behaviors. The novels are set mostly on the planet Gor, where women are slaves to men. They are expected to dress, speak, behave and believe in a certain, highly stylized way. While there are people who incorporate varying degrees of Gorean philosophy into their relationships, they’re a small subset of
BDSM. Male subs aren’t welcome in most Gorean venues because there were few male subs on Gor.

Bedroom is sometimes used to mean the opposite of lifestyle BDSM. If partners confine their power transfer to a strictly limited area of the relationship, it’s bedroom BDSM. Within the confines of that area, this style of BDSM can be as intense as any other. It just never goes beyond those confines into other aspects of the relationship.

Silk scarves may be used by new or light players for bondage, so the term Silk Scarf is sometimes used to describe a less intense style. The power transfer exists but the manifestation is more gentle.

Lifestyle BDSM is an always on connection. Even though the partners don’t always overtly express dominance or submission, the dynamic still exists. Sometimes people confuse the Bitch Goddess model with lifestyle. Lifestyle BDSM isn’t defined by leather clothing or verbal abuse. It’s defined by the constant nature of the power transfer. Most lifestylers are everyday people, with the same problems and pleasures as vanilla people. The difference is that the power balance in their relationships is deliberately and consensually skewed.

Not everything that looks like BDSM is BDSM. Some people enjoy very limited and temporary power transfers. These are people who are basically vanilla and who sometimes play BDSM
type roles to spice up their sex lives. It’s fun, it’s hot, it’s fulfilling but it shouldn’t be confused with BDSM.

How to respond to a personal ad

If you’re looking for a dominant partner and don’t have a lot of face to face resources, personal ads are a good alternative. They don’t work for many submissive men, though, because many submissive men don’t seem to understand how to write a good response to a dominant woman’s ad. Having been the recipient of a good many truly awful responses, I’ve got a few suggestions.

One thing to remember; writing a good response doesn’t guarantee success. No matter how well worded your response, if you’re not what the advertiser is looking for, you’re just not and no hard feelings. That’s a segue to the first thing to consider: do you have the characteristics noted in the ad? Yes, yes, I know, you are so overwhelmingly wonderful that it doesn’t matter; you’re going to respond regardless. I’m here to tell you it does matter. If the ad requests someone who speaks Croatian, has a chauffeur’s license, and makes a great paella, don’t respond if you speak only Italian, don’t know how to drive, and can’t
pronounce paella. I don’t care if you have buns to die for, if there wasn’t a statement that buns to die for supersedes all other requirements, just let it go.

Now, logic tells me that a person who meets the requirements will send a note stating how he or she meets the requirements. And some people do. But there are an amazing number of
people who respond, “Hi, I’m Bert. 5’10”, 180, brn hair and eyes. I want to serve.” Why do you do this? Unless the ad said, “Respond with height, weight, and coloring only” it makes
absolutely no sense to do this. So stop doing it. And if, by some lucky happenstance, a patient dominant woman gives you a second chance and asks for more information, don’t send a reply that quotes your stats yet again, adds your marital or employment status and ends there. If she asks for information, give it to her. Think about this: she’s a dominant woman. Even if she placed an ad that said she was ugly, inexperienced, and prone to hives, the simple fact that she is a dominant woman would guarantee a respectable number of responses. You are nothing to her except pixels on a screen. You have to rise above
that, you have to get her attention, and then you have to attract her. I’ve got to tell you, for most dominant woman, knowing your hair color (or the size of your penis) is not going to accomplish this.

So, second thing to remember: if you meet the requirements, show that you do. Talk about how you came to learn Croatian, describe some of your experiences as a chauffeur, mention
something about your favorite paella recipe. Don’t worry about providing too much information. When it comes to choosing a BDSM partner, it’s hard to have too much information. You’re writing to a woman who’s going to get a lot of laundry lists. Save
her some trouble, and set yourself apart from the other guys, by giving her a big chunk of information.

Many of you have answered numerous ads and gotten no response. You’re leery of investing time and emotion only to get no return. Well, do you want to meet a dominant or don’t you?
You can sit around waiting and hope one falls into your lap or you can put a little work into your search.

Ok, you think you have the qualities mentioned in the ad and you’re all set to put a little effort into your composition. What style do you use? After all, you’re writing to a dominant woman, one of those leather wearing, whip-wielding goddesses. She probably
expects you to be on your knees, the epitome of subservience, right? Don’t count on it. A good many dominant women (I know you don’t want to hear this) are everyday people. We can
manage just fine without advertising our interests to the world and we can relate to submissive people as people first and submissives second. On the other hand, there are those who insist on formality and protocol. Take your cue from her ad and her style and respond in the same way.

I know you’re curious about her and you want to know more about her. But this is her ball game, remember? She’ll either volunteer information or give you an opportunity to ask
questions. Wait for it. And, whatever you do, don’t give her the impression you’re trolling for whacking material by asking her what she “likes to do.” She’s a person, not a bunch of preferred activities.

So now your response is all ready to go. It’s pleasant, polite, reasonably clever, and fact filled. There’s no requirement that you type it neatly, with appropriate format and punctuation; there’s no requirement that you check the spelling. I recommend you do so anyway. It’s considerate and makes your message easier to read. Besides, not doing these things makes you kind of unappealing.

I suggest you don’t send a picture of yourself unless the ad requested one and don’t ask her for one right off the bat. Whether you intend it or not, these actions give the impression that appearance means more to you than compatibility and competence. If appearance really is your first consideration, you’re probably better off in some other venue. One of the advantages of cyber space is the ability to get to know people
without the distractions, and judgments, that happen face to face. Besides, no one ever looks as good (or bad) as the picture, anyway.

There you have it. Go forth and reply.

Introducing your partner to BDSM

Our society discourages most kinks, including BDSM. It’s tough to be a kinky person in that kind of atmosphere. As a result, many people ignore or deny their inclinations. This works for some but, for most, the need won’t allow that to happen indefinitely. At some point, it makes itself known. This can be a problem for people who are in a committed relationship with a vanilla person when it happens. “How can I get my partner interested in BDSM?” is a common question in BDSM discussion venues. I don’t have the ultimate answer but I do
have suggestions.

First, though, you have to know and accept that BDSM is a need or a want, not a flaw. About 10% of the population have this need. It’s not something you can help, that can be fixed (and it doesn’t need fixing – even the APA now says kink is ok) or that will go away. It’s a part of who you are that you want to express. What you’re hoping to accomplish is the ideal, having your partner be involved in the _expression.

You know, I hope, that BDSM can be loving, respectful and a whole lot of fun. It’s not a threat, either to the people involved or to their relationship(s). Your partner may not know this. Sometimes all a basically vanilla person knows about BDSM is what she’s
seen in the media. What she’s seen in the media is pretty scary. It’s usually some other vanilla person’s notion of what BDSM is, based on stereotype and fantasy. So, she’s confronted with images of women in leather corsets and high boots, with a whip and an attitude, doing unspeakable things to groveling victims. Let me tell you, it’s the rare vanilla woman who is going to think that’s hot. The average woman is going to politely but firmly say, “Yuck.”

What the average woman doesn’t know is: that’s not what you’re asking for. Of course, you may not know this yourself, yet. You may have bought into the stereotype and fantasy without giving much thought to how, or if, that plays out in real life. Now is the time to think about it.

Be realistic. Those corsets are damned uncomfortable. And the 5-inch stilettos? Forget about it. Nobody could sustain the clothing for more than a few hours, let alone the attitude. Most BDSM in long term relationships is done for love, often with humor, in comfortable clothes, with someone who is a willing participant. While you may want your partner to don the trappings as often as possible, what you require most is her control. And that’s what you need to convey to overcome the yuck factor.Your partner is probably skittish about the idea of tieing you up and spanking you or determining when you may use the bathroom. She might be more open to determining when and how the two of you will have sex or always having the final say about what movie you see. The idea is to explain BDSM to her as your need for control, not a need to do incredibly freaky things. Tell her you hope she’ll eventually be interested in experimenting with other aspects but you’re asking her to go only as far as she’s comfortable. Keep in mind that, although you’re asking her
to meet a need of yours, you won’t get anywhere unless you focus on her needs and comfort level. You’re asking for a big favor here. Show you recognize and acknowledge that by putting her first.

Submissive men are all the time saying they want to “serve” a dominant woman, yet, when push comes to shove, it often turns out what they want to do is be titillated, whether it’s any benefit to the dom or not. Here’s your chance to show you’re not a wannabee. Service to a dominant woman is serving her needs, not yours. It really doesn’t matter whether you like the activity or not, the fact that she benefits from it is a submissive’s reward. If
you can understand and accept this, you can probably enlist your partner’s aid in meeting this need. Propose to take over some chore she does but dislikes, weeding the garden, say, or doing the laundry. Then do it. Do it well, do it on time, do it without being reminded and do it without expecting anything in return. This is both non-threatening and beneficial to your partner, in other words, you’re showing her that your submission is about her.

If your partner agrees to take control, even in a limited way, and to accept your service, you’re ahead of the game. Don’t blow it by pushing. Let things move along at her pace. Be open to questions and ready with additional suggestions, should she ask, but don’t try to move her farther or faster than she wants to go. And, for god’s sake, don’t go all gaga about how sexy this is for you. You may do sex because your gonads are exploding;
she does it because it’s satisfying emotionally as well as physically. The fact that your gonads are exploding is not a selling point. The fact that you love and care about her is.

Although your goal is to have your partner agree to dominate you, sometimes the best you can hope for is that she doesn’t run screaming into the night. Ok, slight exaggeration but the reality is some people just aren’t able to relate to BDSM. By the time you get to the flat no, I hope you’ve made a good case for BDSM, because the next best thing to having your partner be your dom is to have her be ok with someone else being your dom. If your
partner sees your BDSM relationship as a threat to your relationship with her, that’s not going to happen. It’s a fine balance. You’ve just presented the loving and romantic nature
that BDSM can have and now you’re asking to do that with someone else. You’ve also stressed that BDSM relationships don’t have to include sex. Haven’t you? Because, your exploding
gonads aside, while many dominant women play with people other than their partners, most reserve sex for their permanent relationships. BDSM can be sensuous and sexy but, bottom line, it’s a power thing. Remember that, no matter who winds up being your dominant.

Safety

Whether you’re dom, sub or switch, male or female, there’s the potential to meet some great people via the Internet. With any luck, you won’t meet anyone who isn’t emotionally healthy or who has less than honorable intentions. It never hurts to give luck a little help, though. So the following are suggestions for things you might want to do to improve your ability to interact safely in cyberspace and beyond.

Being Safe On Line

Limit the amount of personal information you share in the early stages of a cyber relationship. Your first message to a potential partner should not contain information such as your full name, address or phone number. These are facts you’ll divulge later on, when the relationship has progressed and there’s trust between you.

When it comes time to provide this information be sure you’re engaging in a two-way exchange. If the other person wants your demographic information but refuses to give hers, consider this a big red flag. Verify the information you receive. Offer to call the
phone number and send a note to the physical address. If your potential partner refuses the offer, he should give you a reasonable explanation for the refusal. If so, explore with him
alternate ways of confirming the information. If not, here’s another red flag.

Be skeptical of sad stories that culminate in a request for a “loan” or some other type of assistance from you. In fact, just be skeptical, period. Don’t hesitate to ask whatever you need to know to confirm that this person is who she says she is.

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Preparing To Meet

Plan only non-sexual activities for the first meeting. Yes, I know, you’re sure this is the love of your life, your perfectly compatible BDSM partner, and you can’t wait to get out those whips and chains. Try this suggestion anyway. If you’re right, you can always renegotiate; if you’re wrong, you’ve got a built in way to extricate yourself from a sticky situation. If you’re both going to be staying at a hotel, consider getting separate rooms, for the same reasons.

Prepare a safety net, tell your potential partner about it, and activate it. At the very least, your safety net should consist of telling a trusted friend where you’re going and with whom you’ll be. In addition, you may want to arrange to call this friend one or more times during your encounter. You may also want to have codes to let her know if you’re ok or if you need help.

Plan to meet in a public place. If you belong to an on line group that has off line get togethers, these can be a safe, no pressure venue for a first meeting. If not, consider meeting at some other public function. If you prefer more privacy, a restaurant or mall
offers this while still providing the safeguard of having other people around.

If possible, get references from people who have seen your potential partner play in 3D. If he can’t steer you to a source you trust, however, remember that this may only be a function of the size of your circle of acquaintances. A reference is one more piece of information, not a guarantee of safety or competence.

Meeting (Finally!)

Do not play if you’re not comfortable. It’s perfectly fine to spend time getting to know someone and establishing a relationship. There’s no need to hurry to get to the physical stuff. Don’t give in to pressure to play before you’re ready and be wary of someone
who tries to pressure you.

If you decide to change your itinerary, be sure to notify the friends in your safety net.

Remember that a safe word protects you only if the submissive person is capable of using one and the dominant person respects it. Don’t substitute the promise of a safe word for doing your homework about the person.

Be aware that testing negative for HIV means only that the virus wasn’t present six months ago. The test tells you nothing about right now. Don’t let a negative test be the sole basis for your decision about practicing safe sex.

Which of these suggestions you decide to use is up to you. The degree of security you want will depend on how the relationship has developed and how comfortable you feel with this individual. Just bear in mind that, ultimately, the person responsible for your safety is you.

What you offer a Dominant

Many people think BDSM is bondage or CBT or spanking. Actually, bondage, CBT, spanking and so on are activities. BDSM is a way of handling power and control. The activities aren’t
BDSM, BDSM is what allows the activities to happen. There are people who have difficulty getting this distinction, which means there are people who have difficulty finding BDSM relationships. Here’s how to not be one of them.

Many submissives approach potential dominants this way. “Hello, Mistress. My name is Chip. I’m submissive. I like bondage, CBT and spanking.” If Chip is lucky, the dominant won’t say what she’s thinking, which is, “How nice. Go away.”

To offer submission is to offer your personal power and will. What you like will interest your dominant when you’re in a relationship but giving her that information right off the bat doesn’t increase your appeal as a submissive. Instead, it says that you see her as someone to satisfy your wants rather than as someone to whom you might surrender power. This is definitely the wrong message to send.

Chip, the eternal optimist, goes away and decides to try a different tack with the next dominant. To her he says, “My name is Chip. I want to please you.” Now, the obvious response here is, “Duh.”

It would make no sense for a dominant to accept the surrender of someone who wanted to make her life miserable. When you identify yourself as submissive it’s a given that you want to
please. Stating the obvious isn’t the best little conversation starter. But our Chip insists on courting disaster rather than a dominant. To be absolutely sure that he shoots himself in the foot he adds, “I have an eight inch penis.” Oh, lord. Who the hell cares? It’s not like we’re from the Guinness Book.

The mistake many submissives make is to try to separate parts from the whole and offer the parts. Most dominants aren’t looking for parts. Your penis isn’t all that different from most others, nor your desires. What’s unique, what makes a dominant select one submissive over another, is an individual’s personality, his skills, his talents and the way all those things come together.

If you want to be successful in your search for a dominant, spend only some of your time imagining bondage or perfecting your acceptance of spanking. Spend lots of time thinking about the surrender that makes those things possible. Your desire to submit is what distinguishes you from vanilla. What you have to offer a dominant is your willing surrender of control. Start with that as the foundation of your offer, then flesh out your offer with
the things that make you who you are. Your humor, your talents, your skills, your nterests, plus your submission are what you’re offering. It’s a package deal.

Pro Dommes

Many submissive men visit professional dommes (Pro Dommes). Doing this can be beneficial for several reasons. It’s a good way to get an idea of how BDSM works, to help to judge if
it’s right for you. It’s helpful for people who can’t commit to a BDSM relationship but still need to do BDSM. It can be good experience that helps you define what you need from a future
relationship. What visiting a pro domme doesn’t do is “train” you to be everyone else’s submissive nor is it exactly what BDSM is like in a personal relationship.

A pro domme is selling a service. It’s the rare man who wants to part with his money and not have at least some of his needs satisfied in return. What this means is that the surrender is only partial, the control is less than total. A pro domme wants you as
a repeat customer; so some of what she does is designed to please you, not her. This is not a bad thing. It’s neutral. You just have to understand that it happens and factor that into your assessment of BDSM and how it fits into your life.

You also have to factor that into any discussion of your experience. A man who has had relationships with pro dommes is a much different submissive than one who has spent the
same amount of time in personal relationships. His expectations will be different, as will his behaviors and approaches. Again, this is a neutral thing. Just be sure that, when talking about your experience, you’re clear about the source. Pro dommes tend to be of the “bitch goddess” school of BDSM. It’s a legitimate style of BDSM, it’s just not the only style of BDSM. An individual’s personality dictates what works for her in BDSM. Some people like the bitch goddess model, others prefer senior officer-junior officer, others practice a less structured form and there are many points in between. So, if you go around saying you’ve been “trained by Mistress Anne of Cleavage” don’t be surprised if the response is less than enthusiastic. It’s better if you can tell people what Mistress AC expected of you and how you responded to that. In other words, a prospective partner is interested in you and in your style.

BDSM has gotten a little more mainstream in the last few years. People are adopting the look and some people are even trying to walk the walk and talk the talk for profit. Some “female” doms who operate exclusively by phone and e-mail are guys. I’m not talking about transgendered people, here, I’m talking about men who are quite happy with their sex, lying about being women in order to make money. If you’re ok with that, fine. If you’re not, ask
some questions and spend your money elsewhere if you don’t get appropriate answers.

There are also vanilla woman who take up pro domming. I hate to tell you this, but they’re usually the ones who advertise themselves as hot and horny. Experienced, capable doms know
that BDSM is sexual but it isn’t sex. Beware of anyone who says she’s a “lifestyle mistress” and has her hand in her pants. Again, if you’re ok with that, fine, but it comes under the same heading as men masquerading as dominant women..

Some vanilla dommes and some gender benders give pretty decent performances. Conversely, some people who are dominant in their personal lives don’t perform well as pros. As
the customer, you have to accept responsibility for determining if the service you’re getting meets your needs and if you’re getting fair value for your money. There’s nothing that says subs can’t be savvy consumers.

Getting Damn Good

A page or so ago I said I’m damn good. I didn’t get that way sitting at a web cam. We may be born with the tendency to be dominant or submissive, but we have to develop the skills to go with the inclination. I’ve been stressing that submissives have to learn, about BDSM and about themselves, before they can offer their submission to anyone. The same is true of dominants. It takes a lot of navel gazing, information gathering and flogger throwing to become competent enough to earn a submissive’s trust.

Dominance isn’t just an attitude. In fact, most real life dominants don’t project some characteristic recognizable as “dominance.” There’s no posturing, strutting, condescension or even snarling, although there may be a belt flogger or two, depending on the situation. Most real life dominants are just quietly capable people.

What sets skilled dominants apart from wannabees and poseurs is knowledge. We don’t need to be medical personnel but we need to know enough about anatomy not to complete a circuit with someone’s heart during electrical play. We need to know that up side down suspension can damage a brittle diabetic and that numb hands mean adjustments are needed. We don’t need to be psychologists but we need to know that hitting the wrong emotional button can trigger a meltdown and we need to be able to deal with that. We need to know the effects
and consequences, both physical and mental, of endorphin and adrenaline rushes. We need to know how to deal with bruises and welts and we have to develop impeccable aim if we use a
flogger or singletail. In other words, it takes more than a paddle and a large vocabulary of insults to be a dominant. It takes intelligence, maturity, responsibility, time, work, and lots and lots of practice.

When people were mostly meeting face to face, when first play encounters often took place in groups, opportunists posing as dominants weren’t as much of a problem as they are in the cyber venue. It’s easy to pose in cyber, especially when the prospective submissive knows as little about BDSM as the poseur dom. That’s why I keep stressing that beginning submissives stuff themselves with information. If you know what a good dominant is, you’re better equipped to avoid someone who isn’t. It’s the difference between a fast food chicken sandwich and coq au vin. So I have to say something about McDommes, people who are attracted to BDSM because of profit rather than their own desire for power exchange.

There can’t be “bratty dommes.” There just can’t be, ok? By definition a brat is a child or an immature person. I just got through saying that a dominant has to be self aware, knowledgeable and mature. You can’t argue with that, especially when it’s your ass on the line. Would you let a childish person put you in inescapable bondage? Would you trust an immature person with your deepest needs and your emotional health? Of course you wouldn’t. So don’t give yourself to anyone who calls
herself a bratty dom. It’s just foolish.

I very uncomfortable with the notion of “money dommes.” I’ve been part of the BDSM community for a long time and I’ve only ever met two “money slaves.” These were people who gave up financial, and other, control as part of a negotiated BDSM relationship. Within this context their dominants took
responsibility for meeting a variety of needs in a variety of way. This is different than putting up a PayPal button and demanding “tribute.”

While we’re on the subject, tribute isn’t usually a part of real time, committed BDSM. Actually, tribute is a euphemism for “fee,” like professional dominants are too well bred or too fragile to admit they get paid for doing their jobs. You may want to believe you’re acknowledging the superiority of a goddess like creature but, basically, you’re paying for the service. Get over it and stop hitting the damn PayPal buttons. Be an intelligent consumer and just admit you’re paying the lady for her work.

I know what you’re thinking, “But, Mistress, I can’t be Ralph Nader. I’m just a lowly sub, a worm with no mind, a piece of crud with no rights.” Bull. Here’s a paradox for you. If Mistress/
Goddess/SupremeFemme is so superior, why would she want to interact with a mindless, cruddy worm? Are you seeing the conundrum here? Most people who have done the work required to become capable, competent dominants recognize the value of submissives. You need to recognize it, too. If humility is what you need, rest assured there are many ways of getting you to feel that. Shouting “stupid cocksucker” at you is one way, granted, but it’s possible to put you in your place with grace and finesse, too. The same skill that keeps you from getting a damaging whack across your kidney can also get inside your head and correct your bad little habits from the inside out. If “Mistress” considers
herself a brat or you a jerk, if her dominance is limited to grimacing at a web cam or demanding money for nothing, put on your Ralph Nader hat, hold tight to your wallet and go look for a better value.

One more thing, good doms have good gear. If Mistress is posing in her underwear holding a hair brush and a pool cue, chances are she’s in it for the money, not the fun. While a dungeon full of cool equipment doesn’t guarantee competence, most poseurs aren’t going to go out and invest in bondage
furniture and custom floggers just to use as props.

Now, in the interests of big-happy-familyness, I have to say if someone posing as a dom is what you need, go for it. If it isn’t, though, now you’ve got some tools to separate the dommes from the ploys.